Falling in Love

I have never been one to proclaim that I « Fell in love. » In my opinion those words have been way over used in our culture. I decided long ago that I only wanted to say that once in my lifetime to that one special person. Yet I find myself exclaiming these words precisely. Oh, not to a person, but rather a place.
As we embarked on our journey halfway across the continent of Africa this past week, I had no idea what awaited me. I knew of this place, and I tried to love it the best I could before I really knew it, but, as I have come to find out, that isn’t real love.
Our plane made two stops along the way. I am pretty sure that our next to last stop was the longest flight I have ever been on in my entire life. It was only about an hour and thirty minutes from Lagos, Nigeria to Yaoundé, Cameroon, but to me it felt like 21 hours and 30 minutes. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. I tried to read, but somehow could not seem to concentrate. All I could do was sit and wonder what lay ahead of me.
Wonder, “What’s it going to be like?” “Am I going to like it?” I was afraid of the possibility that I might not like it. So many questions, fears, doubts, and yet unbelievable excitement was running through my head at one time.
When our plane began the descent into Bangui, the capital of C.A.R, I am pretty sure that butterflies over took my stomach. After all these years of waiting, praying, and hoping it was finally here. Yet, I felt like a little girl meeting my lifetime crush for the first time. And then, it happened the landing gear was lowered, may I stop to thank Jesus for this, and we touched down. In that moment, that tiny second that we met the ground, all fears and doubts vanished.
I describe that week in this way, “It was the longest, shortest, most awesome, and yet most miserable week of my life.”
In trying my best to describe this week to a dear friend I told her, “I have never felt the way I felt that week before.” In that week I found my calling, my longing and at the same time felt my own inadequacy. No, I wasn’t prepared for what happened. I wasn’t prepared to “Fall in love.” I am not sure at what point I realized what was happening. Maybe I knew it all along. It was the best and worst feeling all wrapped up into one. My emotions were going crazy. If I had to describe these feelings I would say, “It felt like someone had take my heart, mind, sound reasoning, and emotions and ground them all up and mixed them together.” I wanted to cry, scream, and laugh all at the same time. I experienced joy, pain, and deep sorrow in the same breath.
The work is so new, so fresh, and so white with harvest. I realized in that week that I wasn’t ready to begin working with them. I realized that I myself needed to be trained. Yet, I saw the need. I felt their hunger for teaching; even the children and I thought how can I keep them waiting another 4 yrs. I struggled with this. I struggled with God and the path I knew He was trying to take me. I struggled with myself.

I didn’t want to get on that plane to come back. I wanted to kick, scream, and throw a tantrum fit. But, I knew this more than likely would not help. So, I refrained. I came home broken and with a bleeding heart. Numb emotionally and feverish physically. I prayed asking God for direction for my future. I questioned what He had already told me. I was “torn up” on the inside. Yet, through all of my questioning and just plain hard-headedness, Jesus remained faithful and patient. He is slowly but surely giving me peace to continue in his plan. He is helping me see it not as a detour, but rather as stepping stone. I need to go home and go to Bible School.
I’ve come to the conclusion that falling in love isn’t easy, maybe it isn’t always fun, but it’s worth it.